Every October at Bethel University (my alma mater) there is a time-honored tradition that has led to many marriages, future children, and broken hearts: Gadkin.

Gadkin is a giant group date designed by the Student Activities board six weeks into fall semester. The participating guys are required to buy a ticket and ask a girl in some prescribed creative way. They aren’t allowed to ask until after midnight, so the girls gather in the hallway of their floors waiting to see who will be asked.

There’s the first knock on the door, a few girls open it and wait to see who is being called – he recites a poem, she says yes and they take a photo. The process takes only a few minutes and just a handful are asked. After the knocking has ceased the waiting girls head to bed, some hoping they’ll get an ask later in the week (which we all knew wasn’t likely, considering the BU gender ratio was 3 gals: 1 guy).

I have nothing against the idea of Gadkin (one of my best friends just bought her first house with her Gadkin date), but I can’t help but wonder if that picture of a freshman hallway represents how many of us treat singleness: sitting and waiting to be asked.

Some of my best friends from college met their husbands and wives through events like Gadkin or “Roommate Roulette” and are approaching their 2nd or 3rd anniversaries already. Others (myself included) are still flying solo, figuring out life after college independently. Our early twenties are an important time in life, whether we are married or single.

But when we treat singleness like the waiting room of life, we waste some of the most fundamental years of our lives. 

With most things I’ve succeeded at in life, I found a lot of the preparation had taken place in seasons before.

Just because I don’t know who my husband is doesn’t mean I can’t begin the process of becoming his wife.

As I write this blog, I want to be intentional about communicating my purpose. The ultimate goal in life is not to be married, as if those who don’t get married fall short of God’s plan. Our ultimate goal is to be holy – and that is only the result of an ongoing fellowship with Jesus. That being said, marriage is a path for many (though not all), and many of us enter the journey completely unprepared. There are things in marriage you can only learn as you go, but there are many steps we can take in the meantime to become a blessing and worthy partner to our spouse.

Here are 5 ways I’ve learned to be strategic in my singleness:

1. Be a good friend.

No, I mean be a good friend. This requires more than the basic “keep them around” duties of friendship. To me, being a good friend requires asking “Am I helping them come alive?” It’s not just being there when they need you (which is important), but it’s helping them become who they were created to be. It’s creating platforms for them to shine.

Choose to work through conflicts with friends instead of running from them. Learn the power of reconciliation, and that strength and depth comes from resolving tension. Practicing this with friends will help you overcome your fear of confrontation (which I’ve heard happens in marriage sometimes).

Take part in their world. Give strategic gifts. Ask challenging questions. Learn about their passions. Visit them at work (which is especially awesome when they are an OB nurse – fresh babies!). Let them into your life and your space, and not just when it’s convenient for you. If they are trustworthy, give them access to your life – ask them to observe how you are living your life and if it lines up with the gospel.

2. Figure out your gifts.

I had a major life change when I was 21, and I attribute a lot of it to finding language for my strengths and weaknesses. At that point in my life I was so focused on what I couldn’t do, I never developed the things I could do into something dynamic. In fact, a lot of my natural strengths were current weaknesses because I wasn’t working on them (my desire to be strategic often made me inflexible and stuck in my own way of seeing/doing things).

Just because we’re not gifted in a certain area doesn’t mean we can’t grow into it, but it also helps to know where you can naturally contribute. In my house I tend to be the visionary (i.e. I like to plan parties), but I need my more organized roommates to help me throw an event that blesses, not stresses™.

Going into marriage with language for your tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses can only be a tremendous asset. Also, learning how your strengths interact with your roommates, friends, or family members’ strengths will help you and your future spouse communicate. It might also help you discern if you and your significant other are a good fit for each other for the long run.

Here’s a few personality tests I would recommend:

•  Strengthsfinder: This assessment was designed after years of research and polls by Gallup (the poll king). It has identified 34 strengths that people tend to identify with on some level. After taking the assessment (available online for $19.95), it will give you a list of your Top 5 strengths and a detailed description of each. (My top 5 are: Individualization, Woo, Strategic, Ideation, and Communication).
• Myers-Briggs: This test is more a map of mental/emotional tendencies. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? How do you process what is going on? Are you more emotional or logical? It’s used around the world by corporations to help their employees know their tendencies (instead of be ashamed of them). The MBTI is also available online for $49.95. (I’m an ENFP!)
• APEST: This test is geared more towards spiritual giftings, and it’s the best one I’ve found so far. It outlines the five spiritual gifts listed in Ephesians 4:11 (Apostle, Prophet, Evangelist, Shepherd, and Teacher). It will give you your top two and explain how the combination works together, giving you a few ideas for areas of ministry to pursue. This test is FREE, and you can take it online here. (I’m a “Prophetic Evangelist”).

3. Hang out with married people.

I confess: it’s easier for me to befriend my single friends than my married friends. When I have a free Tuesday night, it’s not my instinct to text Joy & Kenric and see what they’re up to – I assume they’re doing married things and are only available when their spouse is busy. But the truth is, a lot of married people are lonely because they receive that same treatment from their single (and married) friends.

When we avoid our married friends, we miss out on seeing the beauty and struggle of marriage. If we only ever hear our wife-friends venting about their husbands (which should be rare and purposeful), we might forget why it’s worth all the trouble.

Our pastor and his wife have been intentional about inviting my friends and I into their lives. His wife, Dayna, is a good friend of mine (that is a massive name drop because she is awesome), and she is intentional about pursuing me – but not just in my own context. My roommate and I have sat around their table for dinner and babysat their kids a few times. It’s been a great opportunity to see a Christ-centered family in action – I’m growing in my understanding of what it looks like to be a Godly wife and mother because of her influence.

4. Declare war on your sin.

A few years ago, my accountability partner (AP) and I made a list of the things we didn’t want to pass on to our children. It was a combination of current and ongoing sins in our life and unhealthy patterns that had been present in our family lines for generations. By putting these things on paper, it empowered us to believe our goal was possible. These things weren’t simply “inevitable” – the gospel renders nothing inevitable.

Last year I was hanging out with my nephew (who is 6) and he asked his typical question “Can I play with your phone?” I was in the midst of texting a few friends and was annoyed that he wanted to use it – especially since he already has access to an iPad and an iPod (which can do arguably more than my phone). I realized later that he didn’t want to use my phone because it was the best electronic device in the house, he wanted to use it because I was using it. Not because he was trying to bother me, but because he wants to do what I’m doing.

It’s not easy for me to have a smartphone – it’s a consistent distraction and I’ve been told by multiple people it consumes my focus and energy, even in groups. If my kids are going to want to do what I do, then I don’t want to model an obsession with technology. I exchanged my iPhone 5 for a more basic phone in hopes of releasing myself from that idol – I’m still working on it, but I’m glad I’m learning this before I have 3 tech-addicted toddlers. (Cool epilogue: the next time I visited I was reading my Bible on the couch and my 12-year-old niece ran and got her new Bible and started reading with me – I shared a few of my favorite stories with her and she highlighted them!).

5. Develop good habits.

I’m guilty of making decisions that affect only me (or at least I think affect only me), but whether I like it or not even the simplest of decisions I make will affect my spouse. This includes (but is not limited to): how I spend my time, how I spend my money, my hygiene, how much sleep I get, my organization, etc.

For instance, right now my budget revolves around me – I make money and I spend it. I’m not really accountable to anyone and it’s easy to be selfish and impulsive with the way I spend my money. I’m working on having a more long-term and communal vision for how I spend/earn my funds. Part of this has been paying off my student loans ahead of schedule, not expecting my husband is going to be delighted to take them on because I’m so awesome.

One of the toughest things for me has been learning to say “no” to things I want to do (and things I don’t want to do). When I was in college I survived on power naps and Mountain Dew because I was so over-committed I didn’t have time to sleep. It was hard on my friendships because I was so focused on pouring out, I wasn’t giving attention to the people that were pouring into me. I wasn’t investing my heart in my friends because it was already over-capacity. As I pray through my commitments, I’m learning that not every good thing needs to involve Rachel to succeed!

I’m also growing in the spiritual disciplines. If my time with Jesus is not a priority as a single person, it will be much harder to cultivate in marriage. I try to be awake at least an hour before any commitment I have in the morning (which might not sound like a lot, but for the former college bum who was in my first class 3 minutes after I woke up it is a giant leap).

All 5 of these things apply not just to marriage, but active participation in community. Our pursuit of growth is a shared process – the journey and the fruit. I am becoming a better friend and partner to those around me.

When we let our singleness fuel our insecurities, all we are doing is becoming more self-focused.

As a bartender I observe so many couples who are so self-focused, trying to stretch their partner’s capacity to meet their needs. It’s the result of two people who thought they could merge their independent lives seamlessly and have become miserable in each other’s company.

I hope my husband marries a gift. But in order for that to be true, it will require a lot more than just hope.

Just think what a difference 5 years (give or take) of intentional growth would look like next to 5 years of moping and waiting.