I was born into extroverted chaos.

The youngest of four sisters and two popular parents, I can’t say I remember too many quiet moments in our household growing up. As family member #6 entered the world, we were currently living in a 3-bedroom farmhouse with one bathroom. (We actually have a photo of my sister Laura eating her lunch while going to the bathroom – she didn’t want to miss a precious opportunity at the wiz palace.)

My dad talks for a living and could probably strike up a conversation about politics or gardening with a tree. My mom is a queen bee who has to manage her social engagements with a desk calendar. My sister Katie would classify having any less than 20 friends over as a mere “gathering” when she was in high school. Laura speaks so loudly sometimes that her voice echos off of the wall and creates a ringing in the ears (in these moments I like to say “what?” and hear her talk even louder until she catches on). My sister Sarah is absolutely an introvert, but she has always had the best boundaries. When she needed space she’d disappear to her room with a book for a few hours or turn up her Sandi Patty CD. She was usually able to enjoy our gatherings because she had been preparing for days in secret.

Needless to say, heading to college I had no idea what an introvert was. Well, maybe I thought I did but I didn’t. My primary hours of operation freshman year were from 11pm-4am. Electric guitar, ramen noodles, card games, Lost marathons and every boy and girl living on freshman hill were all friends in the late hours. It took about 6 weeks for my roommate to unfriend me on Facebook and storm out of the room whenever I entered. (What is wrong with this girl? Why is she so anti-social?!).

I went to a personality retreat my junior year of college with a ministry group I was a part of. In one of the sessions they divided us into two groups based on our Myers-Briggs Introvert/Extrovert score. I huddled with my enthusiastic tribe while the “quiet” kids sat on the other side of the room. One of our tasks was to write a list of words describing our perception of the other group. The proctor encouraged us to be honest in our assessment, using the first words to come to mind. Thinking we were being funny, we wrote down words like “boring, doesn’t like people, always annoyed, socially awkward…” The introverts opened their ceremony with their extrovert list: “loud, needy, attention-starved puppies, never stop talking…”

If this exercise taught us all one thing it was this: the people across the room were a foreign species.

As we listened to their assessment of us we thought “that’s not why we do that.” As they listened to ours they thought “there is so much of me you don’t understand.”

I found introverts interesting, but I didn’t have the time. As someone who interacted with dozens of people on a daily basis, only the loudest ones secured a spot in my busy schedule. I left college with a few lifelong friends and for the most part they were all just like me. There was a whole half of society I wasn’t letting influence and participate in my life.

When I first met my friend Becca 2 years ago I thought “oh no.” We were moving into the same house and I was sure we had absolutely nothing in common. I took her out for coffee (extroverts love that) in order to begin our best friendship. I left that meeting not with a new best friend, but with wide-eyed confusion. Why does she talk so quietly? Why is there more than a .05 second gap between my question and her answer? Everything she is saying is so abstract and confusing! As we settled into our new house I mistook her quiet, observant nature for “extreme-judger who could hardly see me from her high horse.” (Keep in mind she hardly ever talked and when she did it was in the most gentle and soothing voice, saying the nicest things).

Thankfully God had set the doors on fire in that house and we were stuck. I had to overcome my intense fear of awkward situations and she learned to speak up when she felt afraid. After about 6 months the strangest thing happened: she knew me. She captured the spirit of my life and could come alongside me in my journey. And ever so slowly, she started to make sense to me. That summer we spent almost all of our days together and even earned the couple name “R&B.” Fitting title for two very different styles that can make some great music.

Then came the next step: an introvert asked me on a date. Still in semester one of introvert school, I didn’t give him a second date. He was nice, and I knew he loved Jesus – but we didn’t have a 9-hour conversation about our passions and dreams and Strengthsfinder like the first date I was sure I would have with my future husband.

8 months of semi-oblivion later, this introvert began to capture my attention. After a few conversations (it turns out introverts don’t word-vomit their life stories the first time they meet you) I realized maybe there was a lot more to Travis than I realized. We liked the same music, he was the only guy I could talk to about the Vikings, and we had oddly read a lot of the same books. He was also moving to Taiwan in a few months and even though we were pretty good friends I had no idea why.

Fast-forward a few random details and a middle school variety DTR (define the relationship), we were on date two. This time I decided to leave my expectations at the door. He isn’t like my dad really…he is totally content with enjoying time together quietly. He appreciates simplicity and lives for long road trips with people he knows and likes. His ideal evening is a cup of tea and a game of cribbage (with an episode or two of the Office). He doesn’t force conversation or find himself extremely bored if he’s been alone for 30 minutes. He enjoys sharing who he is with others, but he needs time and space to do so.

I can’t help but think what would have happened if I had just left him in my little box at that retreat all those years ago. He is one of the most kind, brave, and deep people I know…and well worth the time invested. He’s the best guy friend I’ve ever had and I hope that remains true for a long time.

Maybe if we find ourselves on the opposite side of the room with a pen and paper we should be taking notes, not drafting indictments. There is something so marvelous about a diverse body…I’m never running out of things to learn about beauty. For a girl who tends to operate on over-drive as a default setting, I’m thankful to be surrounded by characters who enjoy life at a different pace. I’m infinitely more effective in my pursuits when I slow things down.

To introverts: yes we’re loud and we’re busy, but we just love things so much we want to consume them at an efficient rate. Give us grace as we verbally process and strive to meet every person in the room. Let us go to Walmart at midnight for no reason other than to get out of the house. Know that beneath our intense desire for stimulation there is a hungry heart longing to be known.

To extroverts: introverts are worth your time. They have some of the best observations and habits, but you might not gain access to them right away. They are loyal, honest, and smart. Let the awkward silences hang in the air for a minute – it’s typically a few seconds after uncomfortable that they’ll say something profound.