When I found out I was pregnant, I had two major prayer requests.

Whenever anyone asked how they could pray for me I simply said: that I could have a natural delivery and be able to breastfeed my baby.

I have a funny relationship with health insurance. I found out I had cancer two weeks before my 26th birthday – the date my dad’s insurance company was set to drop me like a bad habit. And I found out I was pregnant with Ben ten months before I would be eligible for Taiwan’s national health insurance.

God somehow made a way for me to have two major surgeries before my insurance dropped me, and with that positive pregnancy test, Travis and I had to trust he would do it again. We asked everyone to pray that we could deliver Ben naturally to cut down on the cost of the non-insured birth, and we also desperately wanted to be able to breastfeed the baby because baby formula is very expensive in Taiwan.

So the story goes – Ben made a dramatic entry into the world via emergency c-section 3 weeks early, along with a night in the ICU and several blood transfusions for me. Travis and I had saved up $2,000USD for the (hopeful natural) delivery, and we found ourselves saddled with a $3,500 bill we needed to pay before leaving the hospital.

Our bank only allows us to withdraw $500/day and since Ben came so early we hadn’t made any withdrawals prior to entering the hospital. Travis (bless his heart) was desperately trying to withdraw and borrow cash from friends just to get us released from the hospital. Random friends popped in, dropping off flowers and envelopes with cards and money – each a glimpse of God’s care and grace.

Our last morning in the hospital, I found a fellow friend in the nursing room and she had an envelope she and her husband wanted me to have. In Taiwanese culture, usually people give money in red envelopes as a sign of blessing – and this one was white so I just tucked it in with our other cards to read when we got home.

I went back to our room to find Travis with thousands of Taiwan dollars scattered on our bed, methodically adding them up to see if we could pay our bill. We were about $300USD short of our bill and unable to withdraw from our bank account until the next day. We took a deep breath, praying God would provide the funds for us to leave that day. I pulled out the envelope my friend gave and saw that there was $10,000 Taiwan dollars inside – almost exactly $300USD. We rejoiced, paid our bill and used the leftover few dollars to pay for a cab home. When we got home we had thirty cents leftover, a brand new baby, and a long list of people bringing us food and diapers.

In the weeks that followed, I slowly had to acknowledge that I wasn’t able to breastfeed Ben. Due to our lack of contact with Ben in his first few days and a lapse in my thyroid medication – I was never able to produce enough to feed him. As we switched over to formula, our hungry Ben was consuming a can of formula a week – at $28 each, we quickly realized this was a line on our budget we hadn’t made room for.

But the support came. Two families joined our monthly support team and we had more than enough funds to provide his needs.

 I tell this story because God did answer my prayers – but not with a yes. 

What I really wanted was a healthy baby that we could provide for – and that’s exactly what we got. Had God answered my prayer to deliver Ben naturally, both Ben and I more than likely wouldn’t have survived.

Ben had trouble sleeping in his crib is first month of life, and that month of sleeping curled up with mom created an intimacy that we couldn’t get from breastfeeding. Formula feeding Ben has also provided Travis with many daddy bonding moments that he cherishes deeply.

Whether we want to or not, moms are naturally thrust into the mom race that every woman with kids is running. The comparison, the keeping up, the methods – it is a dead sprint that none of us can keep up with. Before having Ben (and even after), it was so easy to judge other moms who raised their kids in a certain way. There is an undeniable pressure to raise brilliant, well-adjusted, non-allergenic, and environmentally friendly kids. And the irony is it takes the attention of our kids and puts it on ourselves and fellow moms.

A few months ago Travis and I went on a retreat with his fellow teachers, and were placed next door to a couple with a daughter near Ben’s age. Around 2am I heard their baby screaming, and they were unable to console her for almost an hour. I laid in bed, sinfully proud that it wasn’t my son (who we’d been sleep training). If only they’d done BabyWise, she would be sleeping through the night.

Before I could finish my inner-chest-puff, Ben drifted awake and began his hour-long scream fest. Travis and I desperately tried to quiet his cries – not wanting to awake our co-workers.

The next morning at breakfast, the other mom came up and asked how Ben was doing. She said she heard him screaming and immediately started to pray that he would be able to fall back asleep, that all three of us would be able to get back to sleep.

Her humility in that moment was like a hot knife, trimming away at my pride.

Though she too struggles with running the mom race, she pulled off to the side and remembered me as a friend, not a competitor.

I’m surrounded by all sorts of moms – two of my sisters, several of my co-workers in Taiwan, and lots of friends my age. Comparison comes all too easy, and it is always defeating. If I’m winning the mom race, then I’m losing. If I can’t keep up, I’m losing too.

The race God has given us isn’t the mom race, but the race towards the “upward call”. All of Hebrews 12 speaks to the this, but especially the first few verses:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

As we run this race, we must throw off the comparison tendency that so easily entangles. We are not running this race alone, but we are running with our co-heirs, not our competitors. God has freed us up to cheer our fellow runners on, and to help them get to the finish line and receive their crown!

What freedom, what joy!