Travis and I decided to go all in on our New Year’s resolution this year.

Last year we each set a reading goal that was still on another planet when December rolled around. We have a kid, work a lot, and reading doesn’t usually happen until 5 minutes before we pass out.

So we decided to up the stakes this year and rearrange our living room. The TV found a new home in the closet and we covered our entertainment center with books in hopes that taking a breather from sports and Netflix might give us more time to read.

[Spoiler alert: we are CRUSHING our reading goals – but that’s not what this blog is about.]

Winter is a busy time of year on our base and a lot of us get saddled with extra responsibility and ministry. Travis has been going to our coffee bar every Friday night from 7pm-10:30 and after cleaning up usually gets home around 11. We’re no stranger to night ministry, and honestly I kind of enjoyed having an occasional night to myself at the house (because Travis won’t watch true crime docs with me!).

But last Friday we got Ben to bed and Travis out the door and after finishing the dishes I was completely overwhelmed with a whirl of emotions I didn’t know what to do with. I felt lonely…bored…homesick…sad. I sat on the couch in tears thinking about how lonely I felt – how left out – how trapped I felt in my house having to watch Ben on a Friday night.

Where was this coming from? How do I make it go away?!

I looked at the stack of books on the mantle in our living room and realized my escape was gone. Everyone in my family was still asleep (hello time change) and most of my friends were out and about doing what normal 20-somethings do on Friday nights. I was alone with nowhere to run.

As I started to sort through the mass of thoughts going through my mind (most of them entirely untrue), I realized that they weren’t as new as I initially thought. I had been feeling lonely and homebound at various times throughout the last several months, but I was quick to distract myself from those yucky and lame thoughts via Netflix or football or Youtube.

It was time to face the emotions inside I didn’t want to have.

It felt so weird to worship on a Friday night, praying and reading my Bible – Friday nights are for entertainment, not Jesus! He can have my mornings but Netflix has my nights! But as I dove into God’s Word I began to feel His healing water run truth through these lies that were clouding my mind. The loneliness was real, but it wasn’t as powerful as it initially felt. I realized I was holding grudges in my heart against friends who were busy when I asked them to hang out one time, and one by one let them all go (because let’s be honest – people are busy and that’s okay!). I realized that this season of being tied to my house was actually full of beautiful moments with friends, Travis, and sweet sweet Ben. I realized that it’s okay to spend time worshiping after dark – and that it brings great joy!

One verse that came to mind as I surrendered these things to the Lord was 1 Peter 5:17:

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I’d been casting my anxiety alright – but right into my TV! And it sure did a great job of distracting while it was on, but it had no healing powers whatsoever. The only “care” Netflix has for me is that I watch more!

But when we cast our anxieties on Jesus…..we find someone who cares. Someone who understands – was there ever a lonelier moment in human history than hanging on the cross, forsaken by His father? And not only does He care…He speaks…He sorts…He heals…

The bow on this blog is not that I don’t feel lonely anymore – as I type this it’s Friday night and I’ve been warring against these feelings all day in anticipation of another night alone. But I’m instead choosing to let God pull these tough feelings out of my heart and teach me how to walk in gratitude and joy, even when I don’t want to.

I once heard a sermon about Psalm 23, verse 1.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

Many people believe this was written before David was king – when he was still shepherding his family’s flocks. Being a shepherd was one of the most lonely and boring jobs known to man – shepherds would often go weeks without seeing another human being! Yet David had such an intimate relationship with God that even in the midst of lonely months talking to and chasing sheep, he was able to honestly say “I shall not want.”

David was no stranger to loneliness (he writes about it often in the Psalms), yet he was always praising God. Psalm 16:11 says “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”

I’ll wrap this up before I get too preachy, but my encouragement to you is to ask God these two questions:

1. What anxieties/emotions am I running from?
2. What have I been running to?

Processing these questions with Jesus might be the breath of fresh air you’ve been longing for. And my prayer is that it is the beginning of a season of walking openly with the Lord as He heals your heart and teaches you what is good.

May we all know the intimacy David had with the Lord, so that we may truly say:

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”