I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately.

I had the total honor of hosting my family in Taiwan last month for ten days and it was everything I hoped it would be. Living 7,000 miles away from my sisters and my parents is easily the hardest part about living in Taiwan (they should feel honored that they sit above “intense humidity” on that list). But I didn’t realize how hard it would be to say goodbye, knowing I won’t see most of them for over a year – and I’ll be towing a little 6-month old that they’ve never met.

I had to watch in pictures the next week as they celebrated Laura’s 30th birthday and my niece’s first and all I wanted to do was curl up and do nothing all day.

So that’s what I did, for a few weeks.

Sure I went to Chinese class three times a week, but other than that I would sit around my apartment watching Netflix or following basketball trades online. I’d scour Instagram and Facebook for hours trying to get closer to the home that I miss so much. For some reason I thought this was a reasonable and quick route to our furlough next summer.

But the days felt so long and I felt my heart growing more bitter. I complained that it’s because I don’t like learning Chinese and my life is bound to be terrible until I can do something more suited to my gifts and passions.

As far as pity parties go, this one was a rager.

I had a roommate in college who was an extremely talented musician. She was trying to finish up her senior year of college so she decided that in order to make time and gain focus she needed to give up music completely. She put her guitar away and stopped singing in order to spend more time on homework.

It didn’t take more than a few weeks for her to be completely miserable and depressed. Rather than studying, she would watch Netflix all day and sit around in her pajamas and occasionally even skip class. Not only was she miserable, her depression was a dark cloud over our house – it affected all of us. We eventually had to have a “care-frontation” (Steph Williams-O’Brien™) just to help pull her out of the slump.

By seeking to create more time, she drained her heart of what filled it with passion.

We are created for purpose, it’s the fuel that drives our lives. Some fortunate people find that purpose at their desk – their job makes a difference and it doesn’t even feel like work to them. I’ve sat in that seat once or twice.

But some people earn their paycheck doing something that doesn’t naturally bring life. It can be draining to spend 8 hours a day doing something that doesn’t really rev your engine.

But what my roommate failed to realize, and myself lately too, is that whether or not our passion is our full-time job, we still need to invest in it. A rare few people work 16 hours a day and sleep the other 8. Most of us have a solid 4-8 hours outside of work to spend on something else. (The moms are thinking, oh just you wait Rachel).

Yesterday I rode my little moto-scooter up to the library at the University behind our house. They have a massive library and the 8th and 9th floors are strictly English books. These two floors have probably twice as many books as the Williston library. I took a break from studying and was perusing a few of the shelves. I quickly grabbed a pen and paper and started making a list of books I want to read before Baby K arrives. I went back to my desk and finished my homework with an hour to spare – enough to start reading a Maya Angelou classic that’s been on my list for a few years.

I came home when the library closed and instead of turning on the TV, I pulled out a puzzle for my husband and I to work on. We had a nice quiet evening listening to a podcast and putting together a Disney puzzle.

But here’s the strangest part: I studied more Chinese yesterday than I did in the last week combined.

The problem was not what I was doing at work, it’s what I was doing when I wasn’t at work.

There are several things that I really enjoy doing – reading, writing, cooking – to name a few. These are things that if I actually start doing I can get lost in for hours.

And the more I let myself do these things the more productive I become in other areas of life. 

I even cleaned my house last night and finished a few little projects I’ve been putting off for weeks. I felt empowered because I was fueling my passions in my free time. Even if I only had a spare hour a day, I could still get some gas in the tank by reading a few chapters or whipping up a batch of muffins.

I don’t think we have any idea how much time we spend on the internet or watching TV letting our day pass away. It makes us tired and lazy. I think it’s the reason we scoff at our alarm clock in the morning, even though we blame it on our impending work shift.

I finally took Instagram off of my phone and will probably do so with Facebook soon too. And without even realizing it, my homesickness has weaned off. Rather than spending hours watching others live their perfect American lives, I’m creating a life of my own in Taiwan. One that my son is going to step into in about 4 months. I find myself thinking of ways to make my own story better, instead of sulking in the fact that it’s below average.

What fuels your passion? What floats your boat?

What doesn’t?

Do more of the former, less of the latter.