i’ve got a daughter now..
It’s January – which typically for me means finally getting to the gym and pretending I’ve been doing it all year. Having a baby stretches and pushes your body to new dimensions (and let’s be honest, so does perpetual snacking while cuddling with a newborn). And though I know my pre-motherhood body is long gone, I’d like to be in better shape than I am right now.
I’ve done this after every baby – packed on the pounds postpartum and inevitably found my way to the gym to fight off at least some of the new fat. But this time it felt different as I approached how I was going to do this. Fad diet? Train for a half marathon? Calorie journal? I’ve tried all of these things – sometimes successfully, but this time it felt weird setting apart a new lifestyle from my family and I couldn’t pinpoint why.
I stumbled across a thread the other day started by a woman who was having some severe side effects from a weight loss drug she was taking – she had extreme dry mouth and was unable to fall asleep more than a few hours each night. Dozens of women shared their experiences and gave advice – some recommending going to a spa to get a prescription for a different type of weight loss injection. The desire to be fit was obsessive and borderline dangerous.
It’s a plague that has pursued women of all shapes and sizes since the beginning of time. I’ve never known a woman who walked in complete satisfaction with her body. I’ve always wished I weighed less – but I’ve had friends who long to add weight to their thin frame. Perhaps for other women weight isn’t the issue, but height – they measure too tall or too short. Skin tone, hair thickness, hair color, eye shape — beauty feels just out of reach, even for those we admire as flawless.
A few weeks ago I was skiing with my family in South Dakota. It was a gorgeous sunny day (one that would not have allowed for skiing if it weren’t for snowmaking machines) and I took a break to watch from the outdoor deck of the chalet. Just behind me a family took a photo and the mother quickly grabbed the phone out of her pre-teen daughter’s hand and was aghast at her own form in the picture. She quickly deleted it off the phone before anyone else could see and encouraged them to take another without her in it. Her daughter rolled her eyes and didn’t put up a fight – she’d played this game before.
And that’s when it hit me – why all of this fad diet, extreme exercise, and twice-weekly weigh-ins felt all wrong after this third baby. I have a daughter now – and for at least the next 18 years of her life no woman will have more influence on her than me. What do I want my daughter to see? That the men at our table can eat whatever they want, but I must restrict myself because I want to maintain a specific weight or figure? Do I want her to hear me talk about my body as something to abhor, rather than a gift from God? Would I ever want Penny to feel as if a woman’s relationship with food and her body is almost always negative?
So the questions I find myself asking this time around have more to do with health than beauty. Habits rather than sizes. I want Penny to grow up seeing that exercising regularly is normal – even if it’s just going for a walk at night or playing tag with her brothers. I hope Penny sees me eating a wide variety of vegetables and exotic cuisine – and truly enjoying it. One of my favorite memoirs is called “My Life in France” by chef and cookbook author Julia Child. I’ve read and reread it half a dozen times simply because I love the way she describes the food she ate while she lived in France. It’s never about the fat or calories, but the flavors and the creativity! For Julia, eating was a divine experience – as I’m sure God intended it to be!
Vanity often feels the curse of the woman – in fact, it seems to destroy the very thing it so longs to possess: beauty.
I do cringe when I take selfies with my kids and the black circles under my eyes are the first thing I notice – or my double chin. But I want to fight to be the mom that takes the picture, puts on the swimsuit, ignores the size listed on the tag of my clothes.
What that mother outside the chalet didn’t realize is why her daughter wanted a picture with the whole family. She wanted to remember the time they spent together, doing something fun and memorable.
Penny – I’m gonna mess this up, I’m going to attempt to chase vanity as this body ages over decades – I’ll forget but then I’ll remember. I’m going to try model what it looks like to be a healthy mom for you – emotionally, mentally, and physically. And maybe that will be the beauty you see in your mom.
Reading Rachel 
Oh my… such wisdom you have written, Rachel… thank you… Penny is blessed to have you as a Mom in so many ways…hopefully these words reach all sorts of women.. young and old
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